So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see