receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
You Might Also Like
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
This is Sparta
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.