them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
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[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
i made a craigslist ad !
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
O Wise One….
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it