*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
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We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.