Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
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Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M