As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
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Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
im 7 sauces long
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”