one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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I’m sorry…what?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Living the best life.. 😊
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.