[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
This rocks
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.