No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Eat…
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People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……