No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Animal poetry
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf