No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.