My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
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me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
What?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.