*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
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I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Put the is in disheveled
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”