My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Traveler’s camo
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*