My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.