@Northerngent4 “WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
@DanMentos “Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
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@Northerngent4 
@clichedout my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
@LovestruckLayla So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
@D2BMcG Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
@KeetPotato co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
@LostFelicia I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
@SexytotheNorth The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
@joeljeffrey [At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
@_odlanyeR I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
@zachreinert0 I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off