@DanMentos

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

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@clichedout

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

@LovestruckLayla

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

@D2BMcG

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

@KeetPotato

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

@LostFelicia

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

@SexytotheNorth

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

@joeljeffrey

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

@_odlanyeR

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

@zachreinert0

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off