“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun