a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
White Castle for the Win
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types