White Castle for the Win
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Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I’m putting together a team
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one