Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
this is uni