The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
the simulation is moving too fast
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence