This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.![]()
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Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
I am patiently waiting for your email
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.