I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
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“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars