If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
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Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
shut up and take my money
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Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised âOh, out loud?â right at the end.
Me: Iâll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: thatâs not how day trading works
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now Iâm live tweeting âThe Walking Dead.â
Wife:
Me: Everything isnât about you.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google đŹ
Me: Itâs easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, Iâll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already âfoundâ 5 though.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The word rĂ©sumĂ© has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
me: it doesnât have a tail so iâm pretty sure itâs a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins