If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
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How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.