shut up and take my money
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PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.