Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*