I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
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When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
*updates tinder bio*
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.