Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die