*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Investing in beetcoin
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
consequences, the bane of my existence
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3