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I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.