Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.