People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My brain is a bad influence on me
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*