9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
You Might Also Like
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”