Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Phones down.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
your honor my client chooses dare