Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Lmfao
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Not recommended for beginners.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.