Werent we promised soylent green by now?
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Meeeee too!
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.