Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant