If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
spicy snake
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”