am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Sign at work today
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?