A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
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[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
#TopTip
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.