If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
You Might Also Like
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
“I took care of your clown problem.”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Who’s your best friend?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?