My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Something Saturday.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.