20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

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I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.


My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”


Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…


[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks


If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.


I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.


Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.


Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”