@themorris23

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

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@simoncholland

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

@Rollinintheseat

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

@DairylandDon

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

@AnkCoupleTO

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

@DaveWeasel

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

@ObscureGent

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

@GuyThe_Guy

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”