ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
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*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.