*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?