Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
thanksgiving in nutshell