In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
You Might Also Like
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
i hate you platonically
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.