I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
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Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
*puts my mental health in rice
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.