What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
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[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Nose
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.