Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”