Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
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a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason