when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
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I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.