If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
spicy snake
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.