Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur